1:2

Like most people, I'm a complainer. Make no mistake, I'm very, very good at it. But I'm not proud of it and so for a while, I've followed this ratio - 1:2.  For every complaint or negative thought, I counter it with two positive statements. It's unrealistic to  call a moratorium on complaining because life isn't perfect. There always will be less-than-satisfactory situations and it's dishonest to ignore them or pretend they're not really so bad. Really, some things are THAT bad. But if there's a balance in favor of positive over negative, I think that's healthy.  And so, without further ado, here's how I feel about pregnancy.  Top 5 things I don't love about being pregnant: 5. Heartburn. Is. Yucky. 4. Outgrowing all my regular clothes. 3. Back pain. 2. Summertime is a bear when there's a *not so* itty-bitty human living inside you. 1. "Oh, you're pregnant? I just thought you were heavy."  Top 10 things I love about being pregnant: 10. Haven't had to clean the litter box in 2010. 9. Don't feel guilty for eating when I'm hungry or snacking frequently during the day. 8. Excuse for new clothes (or at least new-to-me - thanks Jayme and Jodi!). 7. Completely OK to take naps in the middle of the day. 6. Gives me a chance to catch up with doctor's visits - now I know for sure I'm ridiculously healthy. 5. My naturally round face suits the "glowing mother-to-be" look perfectly. 4. Everybody is freaking nice to you.  3. No heavy lifting or cleaning with strong chemicals ... and a husband who picks up my slack. 2. Feeling those reassuring movements as Thor practices his/her mad soccer skills. 1. And the thing I love most about being pregnant? Enjoying this small window of time where my most important job is taking care of myself and the baby ... because I know it's temporary.

The little things

Did you know diet, caffeine-free Dr Pepper tastes about as delicious as the real thing?

Me neither. But now that caffeine is verboten — at least until October 10 — I've discovered this important fact.

It's a little thing that perks up my afternoon, even if I'm not getting a hit of caffeine.

These days, I've noticed it's the little things that are worth noticing, remembering, enjoying.

•••

It's not likely Jim and I will be able to take a vacation this summer — time constraints and budget limitations prevent it. We can't afford expensive furniture or much of anything beyond necessities, really. But little things, like an impromptu lunch date or planning the baby's nursery, have taken on greater importance. They're not overshadowed by flashier events, because frankly, we don't have any of those going on right now.

I think that's the way it should be. As the baby grows, we'll see the world through a little person's eyes again. By necessity, we'll slow down. We won't be go, go, going all the time (probably). And as soon as we (read: I) adjust to that, the easier this transition will be.

•••

I haven't always found joy in small things. Contentment has been a hard-fought battle for me. I don't say hard-won because it's not. It's an every day struggle to realize what I have is a blessing and not begrudge others who have what I don't. But it gets better all the time — especially knowing I'll be an example for this small person whose heart beats beneath mine.

•••

A good book. A cup of tea. A husband who takes care of yard work. A growing belly.

Little things make my world seem so very big.

Hi there

Oh, I have a blog? Well, isn't that nice. Too bad the author doesn't update it. I'll have to give her a piece of my mind.

Wait for a moment while I take care of that business.

...

...

...

Done.

I was reminded recently that people (or at least a person) check this blog for updates. And for one person, and you know who you are, I'm willing to maintain my small corner of the Web.

So, since October 2009, here's what's happened in my world:

• I got a part in our local theatre's production of "Arsenic and Old Lace" as Elaine Harper. Rehearsals took up a good portion of September and October, with performances in early November.

• Jim and I weathered the crazy blizzards of winter 2009-10. Fortunately for me, snow removal is Jim's job so I took care of the indoor battles, like dealing with frozen — but not burst — water pipes.

• Back to the theatre: I was elected to the board of directors for the organization in January.

• And the theatre again ... I was part of the chorus for the spring production of "Oliver!" which was extremely well-received in the community.

• I worked.

• I wrote (just not here).

• I played with Winston and Rosie.

• I read. A lot. Decided I'm a fan of Kathy Tyers' unique Christian science fiction novels.

• I bowled on a league and discovered that while practice might not make perfect, it doesn't hurt. I ended up with the most improved average of the whole league. Which, when you start with an average below 70, anything is improvement.

• I went to my sister's college graduation and felt really, really old.

• And, oh yes, I got pregnant.

So that's my big project these days: growing a person. That, and not fitting into my old clothes anymore.

I don't pretend my life is tremendously interesting. But it is fulfilling and I am content. And as long as God is great, beer is good and people are crazy, I'll have something to blog about.

Except not the beer part. At least not until after October 10.

Scripts

Good morning. How are you? What's up? Beautiful day, isn't it? I'm so sorry for your loss.

As unscripted as I'd like to think my life is, we live by them. I play through the same conversations daily, with Jim, with my co-workers, with friends.

Crazy weather we're having. How about those Huskers?

But for all that, I don't think it makes our interactions any less sincere.

Just as the liturgy breathes comfort into my heart each Sunday, so too scripts help stabilize our lives.

Life is full enough of uncertainty. We don't know what the future holds. Heck, I don't even know what the next hour has in store. And that's exciting, but at the same time, it's unsettling.

So to have some continuity is a relief. I am exhausted by the end of each day, after completing all the tasks associated with work and keeping my home, after tending to the needs of my husbands and pets, after carefully monitoring the moods of everyone around me and biting my tongue so often it's bruised.

To know I can greet an acquaintance or friend and start the conversation with, "Hi, how are you?" is a balm to my often-anxious mind.

It's just one less thing to think about.

•••

"If there's an empty space, just fill it in with another line, even if it's from another show. That's what I do."

-Waiting for Guffman

On comfort

Is it OK to be comfortable?

Growing up in an evangelical Christian home, I learned to equate comfort — particularly spiritual comfort —with complacency and stagnation. 

Which was OK, because during high school, college and early married life, I wasn't ever comfortable with life. It was happy (or at least something resembling happy), but there was always so much turbulence I couldn't settle down. 

Dealing with existential questions was, quite frankly, the least of my concerns.

But now. Oh now. Things are different.

I'm — brace yourself — comfortable. 

And I'm not sure if that's OK.

•••

Because I know how fleeting life is, I want to be reconciled with happiness. I know it's short-lived and I should appreciate it while it's here. But I can't shake the feeling I don't deserve it. 

(Which, theologically speaking, I don't. God's grace is sufficient for me, and I trust in Him to forgive my sins.)

After moving four times in a year, changing jobs twice and meeting endless new faces, I'm ready settle down. But while I'm happy with my life right now, I wonder: Is this all there is? Will I ever advance in my career, in my education, in my life? Or is this as good as it gets?

I like the comfort now. But what if it's not enough in a couple of years? Where do I go from there? 

Blogging before church

Busy weekends are a mixed blessing, I think. I enjoy them, certainly, but as far as rest is concerned, that's in short supply.

I've heard this statement more than once: "Ah, you're young. Live a little - it doesn't last forever."

Yes, and it will last a little less of forever if I don't get some sleep.

I am a grumpy-pants when I'm tired. I'm not proud, but it's true.

On a more positive note, though, this weekend I:

• Caught up with a college friend whom I hadn't seen in a year;

• Shared a lovely cup of cafe au lait with my sister; 

• Enjoyed delicious cajun-style chicken and shrimp with my aunts; 

• Had another yummy cup of joe with said sister and aunt; 

• Saw a melodrama and visited a town I'd never seen before;

* Took some photos (nothing like a good photo to make this girl happy);

• Had good conversations with Jim (among other activities ... ); 

• Saw "Up" - very good;

• Caught some fireworks; 

• And later today, I'll go to church and then go to a cast party on a lake.

Sooo ... really, it's been a wonderful weekend. 

I'll sleep when I'm old.

Well, who do we have here?